Over the last few months, I have not really felt my best.  One Friday morning, on my day off, I was looking forward to watching The Mandalorian on Disney Plus!  It was supposed to be an enjoyable, restful day after a really long week.  As I sat down on the couch and started my show, I began to feel this weird feeling of doom and gloom.  I felt overwhelmed, sad, angry, and my chest hurt.   I immediately thought I was experiencing a heart attack. You see, a couple of years earlier, after a car accident, I felt the same way and went to the emergency room where they said that my heart was good and strong and that I was probably dealing with anxiety.  

For as long as I can remember, anxiety has had a place in my life, but I was always able to handle it pretty well, with no one really knowing. People tend to have harsh feelings toward someone who says they are depressed or they deal with anxiety, especially someone who is a Christian and who also is a pastor.  So, I usually kept very quiet and didn’t talk about it much to anyone.  That day on the couch, I talked myself out of it being a heart attack, and I soon realized it was a full-blown panic/anxiety attack.  I called my wife and cried while she talked me down.  I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.  She is the best and cares for me so well.  I told her that I was ready to get help.  I was at the point where I really didn’t care what anyone thought, and I reached out to a counselor, who I started seeing once a week.

What I have learned through this process is that I have neglected myself for far too long. Throughout 21 years of student ministry, I have seen a lot and dealt with a lot.  I taught myself to push my feelings aside and to keep moving forward because people needed me.  I would give advice, pray for, and care for others with all that was in me.  Believe me when I say I was spending time with the Lord, reading the word, and praying.  My relationship with Jesus was then and is now still good, yet I found myself carrying everyone’s burdens, unable to leave them with Jesus.  I felt like I needed to be the one who was fixing the issues.  That is what I believe helped me through all of my years as a youth pastor– my heart, but it was also the thing that hurt me.  I care way too much.   

So, I am learning to pray for folks and to care for them, but I truly leave it at the feet of Jesus, trusting His plan.  Easy to say, harder to do, but guess what?  I am getting better at it. I began to journal when I was experiencing severe anxiety, and I started noticing patterns that showed that my anxiety seemed to get worse with loud noises, chaos, fried foods and soda, caffeine and coffee.  I began to ween myself off of those things, and currently, after four weeks, though it is extremely difficult not having Dr. Pepper every day, I am making it.  I ordered one medium DP from Sonic, and I drank one cup of coffee.  So far so good.  Water is good for us but sure gets old; however, I am sticking with it and have noticed when the anxiety comes on, it is not as bad.  Right now, I feel more able to manage it. 

My next step was to focus on my physical health, starting with my eye doctor because I had been having headaches in the evening and could tell my prescription was probably no longer accurate.  The optometrist told me that my eyes were pretty stable with a slight change, but he suggested new lenses and blue light blocker to help me, since I now work more at a computer.  

Now, I’m ready to find a general practitioner who can give me a checkup and maybe prescribe some medicine to help with my high functioning depression and anxiety.  I made that call today.  If you knew how much going to a doctor scares me, you would know that these three steps that I took are so big.  In my mind it’s like I won the World Series every time, nervous but relief once I made the call.  Sure, the doctor could say that I am sick or that there is something bigger wrong with me.  I really don’t think there is, but if I need medicine to help feel better, then guess what?  I need to take it.  I hate even taking Ibuprofen, but I am at the point in my life where if I need it, then get it done! 

So here I am on a Thursday morning writing this, knowing some people may read this and think that I should just “man-up” and keep moving forward.  Things will get better.  I was on that side at one time.  “Manning- up” didn’t work for me.  In fact, it probably made my feelings worse.  I am truly writing this not for sympathy.  I am writing to say that if I can seek help from the Lord, from counseling, and from doctors, those that feel like me can do it, as well. The shame that I felt, all of the time, because of my struggles was awful.  I was scared to let anyone see me hurt or be sad.  Not anymore!  I am not perfect and never claimed to be, but I am going to try and better myself so that I can continue to be the best husband, father, and minister I can be until the Lord calls me home. 

            What got me here?  Ministry for 21 years can catch up with you, but it was probably recent events in my life.  Four years ago, I was hit by a drunk driver, who was going well over 90mph, which rolled us three times into a ditch on I-35.  Next would be last year when I dislocated my ankle, breaking it in three places, and now having a plate with 12 screws in my ankle.  I cannot do things as well as I once could, and that takes a mental toll.  Then, in May, I lost my best friend to cancer, and due to COVID, I could not be in the hospital and I could not tell him goodbye.  Preaching his funeral and not being able to talk with him every day since has been really hard.  Finally, I switched ministry roles, in the middle of COVID, and didn’t really get to finish out the way I had hoped, due to all of the restrictions.  Believe me when I say this– I LOVE MY NEW MINISTRY POSITION!  It is just hard when you leave something you have done for 21 years.  So, when I look over my shoulder and see what I have walked through in just four years, I see that there are many defining moments, and I think I handled most of them well.  I want to remember those past events, but I don’t want to live there anymore.  I want those to be defining and shaping moments, but they can’t be all that I think about.  

That Friday was a wake-up call to me that it is ok not to be ok and that I need to seek help in order to learn how to handle and how to deal with all of these emotions, not let them define me.  Most importantly, I need to remember that Jesus is my Savior, and His plan is so much better than anything I could ever imagine. 

            So here I am, a huge mess ball, but that’s ok.  I feel the Lord working in my life, and I am working on controlling the things in my life that I can, such as food, exercise, doctor visits, and resting more.  Then, trusting the Lord with the things that I can’t change and asking Him to carry those burdens for me, leaning in even closer to Him daily.  When trials come, and believe me, in my life they have come in many forms, my walk with the Lord is strengthened, and I am thankful for that. 

            I wanted you to know what the Lord has been showing me lately.  Mainly, I rely on my own heart too much, and I need to let the Lord carry the burdens that I was never meant to carry.  Jesus is the answer.  He has always been the answer.  If you are out there struggling today, let me encourage you.  It’s ok to not have it all together, but please don’t dwell there.  Turn your eyes to Jesus and ask Him to help you.  I found that in turning my eyes up and talking about my issues, it has opened a deeper walk with Jesus and has allowed me to see that it’s ok to seek help from others, those whom God provided as counselors and doctors.  You are not in this alone!  You are loved and cared for.  If I can ever help you, please message me.  I don’t have this thing figured out, but I know who does.  I am going to learn to rest in that daily. 

Love, 

Jeremy