Have you ever felt disappointed? Have you ever felt that at every turn something goes wrong? Have you ever felt as if the life you live has let everyone down, including your own family? Since July 4th I have felt this weight in my mind and on my heart. In the quiet of the day or night, Satan whispers in my ear, “See! Your God left you. If He really loved you, you wouldn’t be walking through this mess.” Every time I heard that voice, I run to the word of God, for no spiritual discussion, encouragement card, friendly hug or act of love can fill what the word of God can. The Word of God is never changing and is not based upon my circumstance or how good or bad I am feeling. It is constant and speaks truth right to my mind and to my heart. Over the last month, it is what brought comfort and peace to my mind and heart at times when my life felt like it was crumbling around me.
As we spent our week at Falls Creek, the night of July 3rd, God broke through to the hearts of some of our students, and they gave their lives fully to Jesus. I will never forget telling someone that night, “Satan won’t be happy with this. He will begin his attacks and try to break apart what God was doing.”
The next day, our eight year old daughter, Merritt, was with Nana, my mother-in-law, at a 4th of July party. Merritt was living the dream, sliding down the water slides and having so much fun. Nana told Merritt to slide 2 more times, and then, they needed to go. As Merritt went down the slide one last time, she turned the corner and found Nana unresponsive on the ground. She had to get help and tell adults and the paramedics what information she could about Nana. Merritt was such a brave and smart girl! The paramedics were able to get Nana to the hospital as we got the call and had to rush from Falls Creek to the hospital in Norman. After we arrived, we found out there may be something wrong with Nana’s heart, causing her to pass out. After she had passed out, she tried to stand up to search the area for Merritt, when she fell again and fractured a bone in her foot. I remember sitting in the hospital saying to myself, “Right on time, Satan trying anything in his power to disrupt what God was doing in the hearts of our students.”
We were able to make it back to Falls Creek that night, with Merritt in tow, and I was scheduled to speak that evening in our cabin time. I remember telling the students to remember that Jesus is worthy to be praised in the good and in the bad, for we are not guaranteed tomorrow, nor are we guaranteed an easy life once we surrender to Jesus. We just have to be faithful to God and understand that Jesus is working all things out for His good and for His glory. If Jesus was all you had, no home, health, money, or recognition, would He be enough? I reminded the students that Jesus is enough and will always be enough. I tried to remind them that He is faithful, and that trusting Him is ALWAYS the right thing to do. Why? Because Jesus is enough.
In my own life, I have always struggled with feeling that I was not worthy of God’s love. In fact, it is easier for me to tell this to others than to believe it for myself. I have always struggled with self-esteem and with not feeling worthy to serve in the places in which God has called me. I think that’s why God placed Courtney, my wife, in my life. She encourages me to trust God more, to rest in Him more, and to not worry so much about life. That night, after speaking with the students about God’s goodness, we had a few more students give their hearts to Jesus. I remember talking with a friend that night and saying, “God is moving and Satan is trying everything in his power to shut it down, but He ain’t gonna do it! What else can He do??”
The next afternoon, some of the youth participated in a softball game at Falls Creek. After our kids won the softball game, a few students asked me to take a swing, just for old time’s sake. I agreed, knowing that an innocent swing of the bat would make them happy. I took one swing, not even swinging for the fences, and this one swing dislocated my ankle, causing it to break in three places, hanging around the side of my leg. I looked down and just sat on the ground. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. The only thing I could think about was that both of my daughters were there watching, I felt this huge weight come over me. Satan began to whisper in my ear, “See! You are a disappointment once again! You are not good enough! You let your daughters and family down again! You let your church and student ministry down! You are going to cost people extra time now, taking care of you! You are such a loser, and maybe it’s time for you to move on and stop trying to be a youth pastor.” All of these thoughts flashed through my mind as I laid there crying. I felt horrible because I had let everyone down. It was probably the most sadness that I have ever felt. I was just lying there surrounded by people holding me and telling me that it’s ok. All I could think about was that with one swing of the bat, I had ruined the summer.
I’ll never forget the faces of those holding and helping me, my wife, Sandy, Mark, Colby, and the Falls Creek nurse. In that moment, even though I honestly felt like I might lose my foot, based on how bad it looked, God had orchestrated having the right people there at the right time. 15 years ago, when Courtney and I lived in Texas, Colby asked me to speak at an FCA rally at His church. This summer, it just so happened that he brought his students to Falls Creek, and they were the team we played in the softball game. Before the game started, Colby came over and reintroduced himself to me. I had totally forgotten about that until our pregame conversation. The crazy thing is, now he works as a pastor and as an EMT! Colby was able to craft a makeshift splint to keep my lower leg still until the paramedics arrived. Isn’t God awesome?
In the moments that Satan whispers lies, Jesus provides miracles. Jesus not only speaks to us, He acts and provides for us. All of these people were able to get me in a car, and Scott Teel drove me from Falls Creek to a hospital in OKC. Mark Davis held my ankle in the back of the car all the way there, which was a pretty hard thing to experience, and my wife held my hand and prayed for me the whole way there. Once they got me into the ER, the doctors had to set my ankle without putting me under anesthesia. That was a pain I hope no one will ever have to experience. Not only did they set it once, but after the orthopedic surgeon looked at the x-rays, it had to be set again because he wanted it set it a higher in the socket. That night was one of the hardest nights I have had in a long time.
Sitting in my chair at home feeling completely defeated, I felt that weight again of letting everyone down. Not only could I not be at Falls Creek for the last night, we were scheduled to leave the following Thursday for a two week mission trip. All of the plans I had made: the flights, the house, the food, the mission project sat in jeopardy. It was so hard to sit there and know I had let myself and so many others down. But you see, it was my head telling me that. The whole while I was feeling down, God was still working. As visitors started to come by, they blessed me with stories of God’s faithfulness. They told me that right after I fell to the ground at Falls Creek, our students circled up on their own and began to pray. The adult sponsors took my children to make sure they were occupied. The adults also began to plan and fill in the gaps to finish Falls Creek strong. Satan didn’t win. In fact, that night multiple students were saved. One student in particular was one for whom I had been specifically praying. Reading the text about that student’s salvation brought such joy to my heart. Jesus received the glory!
What Satan meant for bad, Jesus turned to good. My wife, who seriously is the best, told me that night that she would lead the mission trip, and she did. Words can’t express how incredible Courtney is. During the two weeks of the mission trip, I was even able to FaceTime in at night and hear the stories of how God was continuing to use our students on the mission trip. The Lord allowed my mom and some friends to stay with and care for me. In those nights, there were still moments where my heart was heavy, sad, and just outright mad, but each time I felt those emotion, instead of buying into the lies of Satan, I went to the Word to combat what my head was telling me.
Yes, it’s still tough somedays, and yes, I still wish this hadn’t happened. But, if that’s what it took for those kids to get saved and for Jesus to receive glory, then so be it. It’s all about perspective and about trusting God’s plan. What I have found in my life is that it’s never the way that I want it to be. God is always working and moving in ways that we can’t understand. God slowed me down and just asked me to be still, to listen, and to spend time with Him. He wasn’t punishing me. He hadn’t forgotten me. He hadn’t left me. He was working His perfect will in my life.
Over the last month, I have been able to examine my heart, listen to His voice, strengthen my mind in His word, and rest. It wasn’t the way I wanted to do that, but it was what God wanted for me. We are always going to hear the lies of Satan, and we are going to have bad days; but, we can’t let Him win. We have to look to Jesus and remember He is for us and not against us. We have to trust His plan, even when it feels like all around us is crashing down. Cling to His word and rest in that. It’s not always easy, but it is worth it.
So here I am, three weeks away from, hopefully, walking again. Sure, it still stinks that I am sitting in a chair. Sure, I missed some things. Sure, I still get down, but trust me when I say that I trust Jesus. I am not disappointing people. I am not worthless. I am exactly where Jesus wants me, trusting and resting in Him. God is not through with me in student ministry. I believe that He has restored and strengthened my love for our students and for Him.
If you are feeling down or if you just need to be encouraged today, let me tell you, your life will have hard moments, and you will want to quit and give up. DON’T! Go ahead and cry, scream, get frustrated, then pick yourself up and head to God’s word. It will encourage, rebuke and comfort. Satan always tries to whisper those lies into our minds and our heart, but remember Jesus has already won that battle for you. Rise above the whispers and listen to the strong voice of Jesus. Rest in that. Thank you for praying for me and for my family. I know many of you are walking through things way worse than I am… Just know you are loved and prayed for.
Here are the Scriptures that Jesus has been walking me through.
Ephesians 2:8-9
Philippians 3:1-11
Philippians 4:10-20
Psalm 118
Psalm 40
Galatians Chapter 6
Still Living The Dream Daily!
Love,
WORM
PS- I am attaching songs that have strengthened me through this month. I am thankful for students and friends who have sent these songs to me to encourage me.
Life with a worm 